Ask Voldermolt
by LightningstormZero
Summary: Dumbledore had forced The Most Evil Villan Ever to write an advice column. No, not Darth Vader, Lord Voldermolt! Watch him answer his many letters.
1. Chapter 1

Screw Dumbledore. He has forced me to write in this acursed _advice column_. As least I get to live and plan my next great escape.

Dear Voldy,

My best friend is dating my crush! What should I do?

From,

TheFireThatBurnsWithin

* * *

><p>Dear Fire,<p>

Kill him

Sincerely,

Tom Marvolo Riddle

* * *

><p>Dear Voldermolt,<p>

My mom just killed my pet hamster because he fell on the floor while she was vacumming.

From,

LongLiveSqueaky

* * *

><p>Dear Squeaky,<p>

Kill her

From,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p>Dear Dark Lord,<p>

You are too pale. I'm not afraid to say your name.

From,

I'mNotAfraid

P.S. VOLDERMOLT VOLDERMOLT VOLDERMOLT VOLDERMOLT!

P.S.S. CREAM CHEESE

P.S.S.S MOLDY VOLDY

* * *

><p>Dear Afraid,<p>

Expect 10-25 Death Eaters arriving at your house in the next 24 hours. Let's see how fearless you are when my followers are shooting killing curses into your... Well let's just say that if you live, you won't be going to the bathroom anytime soon.

Sincerly,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldermolt,<p>

You need Spray Tan. The Spray Tan at Joe's Tan Shop is on sale.

Tannishly,

TheTanMan

* * *

><p>Dear TanMan,<p>

The most powerful person in the world does not need spray tan! Get some spray tan yourself. But, would I look more powerful in Spray Tan?

From,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p><strong>Voldermolt would like your letters<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Voldermolt,

Why did you change your look? You were a lot hotter as Tom riddle.

sincerely dissapointed,

Bring Sexy Back

* * *

><p>Dear Back,<p>

Go to the land of Tri-state Area. There, find two boys named Phineas and Ferb. Ask them to create a Time Machine for you. Once made, travel back to London after I gratuated. Find younger me and show him this advice column. He will understand everything.

Sincerely,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldermolt,<p>

I just got braces. What do I do.

Love,

Radiant Waterfalls

P.S. Do you really have no nose?

* * *

><p>Dear Radiant,<p>

Ah, the wonder of braces. I got mine in my 6th year. That year had the largest purge of students. Went from 600 slytherins to 500 slytherins. Everyone thought it was The Chamber of Secrets. The ones who thought that were corrected before they died. And in case you're too daft, it was me. Just wait till you don't need them anymore. And kill anyone who makes fun of you. That's what I did.

YES I HAVE NO FRICKIN' NOSE!

From,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p>Dear Too Pale For His Own Good Voldermolt,<p>

My best friend and I aren't talking anymore and I don't know why! What do you think I should do! Should I confront her?

In Need Of Good Advice,

DLLL

P.S. Why don't you have a nose

P.S.S Are you jealous of Harry? I mean, he has hair AND a nose...

* * *

><p>L<p>

Dear DLLL,

Send someone to spy on her. Get an ambassador to ask her. Ask her to coffee and talk to her. If it fails, just kill the ambassador and come visit me. Together, we will torture her until she spills her darkest secrets.

Why I don't have I nose. I swear, no nose and the world hates you. It was a nessesary sacrifice to make in order to make myself invincible.

How did you know. That's part of the reason I hate him.

From,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldy,<p>

What is your favorite spell and why? And what is your opinion of A Very Potter Musical?

From,

Princess Twila

* * *

><p>Dear Princess,<p>

Avada Kedavra of course! It ends my problems so easily. It makes it okay for me to not be a people person.

I hate A Very Potter Musical! It makes me sound gay! I promise you, I am not! Just ask Bellatrix.

From,

Voldermolt

P.S. Don't call me Voldy!

* * *

><p><strong>There we go! Voldermolt wants letters!<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Moldy Voldy,

How do you fell about getting pwned by a baby? That's a little pathetic. Plus, just so you know, everyone hates you. And they invited everyone BUT you ghost to a party after you died.

Sincerely,

Iceshadow

* * *

><p>Dear Iceshadow,<p>

I did not get "pwned" by a baby. I was merely detained for a short time. Bellatrix, you better get that right! Oh yes, for the readers, Bellatrix is writing for me today.

Can you perhaps list the people involved in the party? Then they will be included in my hit list.

From,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p>dear voldemort,<p>

I think you are a sexy beast. Also, how should i eliminate this annoying girl in my math class?

- Chris

* * *

><p>Dear Chris,<p>

You're kidding me. You don't know? Just kill her. You know, Avada Kedavra. Ah darn, I just killed Lucius by accident. Oh wait, that's a good thing...

From,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldy,<p>

Is Dumbledore really as awesome as he seems? And can you kill Umbridge?

Sincerely,

Wetstar

* * *

><p>Dear Wetstar,<p>

Heck no! Dumbledore is almost exactly portrayed in Potter Puppet Pals as is in real life.

And about killing Umbridge. Done.

From,

Voldermolt

P.S. Don't call me Voldy!

* * *

><p>Dear Voldermolt,<p>

What's the deal with you an Bellatrix? Are you dating, friends with benefits, master-servant with benefits or what?

Sincerely,

Just Curious

* * *

><p>Dear Curious,<p>

Heh heh. All of the above.

From,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldy,<p>

My pet cat just died!

Help!

-Writer of Written Works

P.S., How come you look like a horse stepped on your face?

* * *

><p>Dear Writer,<p>

Buy another cat.

Why you so stupid?

Unhappy Regards,

Voldermolt, the one who will kill you for saying his face looks as if it got stepped by a horse

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

It worked for the most part, except for the fact that the spy I spy I sent got aressted because he was caught. So what now? My Dad says I should talk to her, but I can't because she's avoiding me. What do you think?

Mad At Her Dad,

DLLL

* * *

><p>Dear DLLL,<p>

Call her. E-Mail her. Text her. Meet with her at the park. Talk to her parents.

From,

Voldermolt

* * *

><p>Dear Moldy,<p>

When you were attached to Quimby's head, how did you use the bathroom?

* * *

><p>Dear WhiteWinterStar (Ha, I know you!),<p>

Don't even ask! It was a large system of tubes, sprays, Quirrel, and Doctors.

You Shouldn't Have Asked,

VolderItHurtSoFreakingMuch!

* * *

><p><strong>Thanks for the reviews. Voldy wants your letters!<br>**


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Voldemort,

Wouldn't you just love to dance again? (A very potter musical says you would)

Anyway, my friend is depressed because a girl she thought was her best friend started dating a guy she liked. It's getting insane, and it's sort of annoying me, so any advice for her?

Sincerely,

Lena, a fellow Slytherin

* * *

><p>Dear Lena,<p>

Yes! Finally another Slytherin! I _love _Slytherins. I only get Puffinstuffs these days...

And yes, I would love to dance again. Too bad the cast of AVPM is on my hit list (AN: Joking)

Tell your friend to kill the friend. Then the boy will be all hers.

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldy,<p>

If you were really that awesome you would know who was at the party. Plus, there was CAKE and PIE.

Anyways, you DID get pwned by a baby.

Okay, do you feel dejected and left out because you weren't invited to the party?

Sincerely,

Iceshadow, a cat that can totally take you down

* * *

><p>Dear Cat that I Can Take Down,<p>

I AM AWESOME! Awesomer than someone who hides behind a mental shield, you dirty...

I DID NOT GET PWNED BY A BABY! Oh gosh, I could just see this evolve into a did too did not battle. So let's stop it here.

Lord Voldemolt does not feel dejected! Okay, maybe he kinda does.

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Tom,<p>

Get some help.

Sincerely,

ISwearToGodI'mNotHarry

* * *

><p>Dear Harry,<p>

Ditto.

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldermolt,<p>

Wouldn't it have been a lot easier if you'd just blown up the Potters' house instead of actually going in and killing everybody? And why didn't you make your new form sexier, like George Clooney or Brad Pitt or something? I'm sure you would've gotten a lot more followers that way.

Sincerely,

CouldaShouldaWoulda

L

Dear CSW,

It's a matter of pride! I had to kill them myself or I wouldn't know if they survived the explosion or not.

Physical description of Voldemolt: White, Bony, Green flashes from his wand. Let's evaluate...

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Dark Lord,<p>

Hi.

I was just wondering... How do you get that cloak? It is AWESOME!

Lot's of Avada Kedavra's your way,

Hufflepuffluv

* * *

><p>Dear Puffinstuffluv,<p>

Thank you! I got it at the Big Evil Guys Who Have Changed Their Forms Emporium.

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Master,<p>

You need to get a wig.

Please Don't Kill Me,

ILoveLily

* * *

><p>Dear Snape,<p>

Working on it!

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for the reviews, and Voldemolt would like more.<strong>

**On another note, I put a prolouge up soon as another story, so watch out for that.**


	5. Princess TwilaWill Explain

Dear Lord Voldemort,

Puffinstuffluv, eh? Niiiiiice... Although, that really doesn't suit me.

How do you get the nose off? It looks cool, I'm suprised people all over the place aren't doing it. Y'know, ripping their noses off and stuff.

H-u-f-f-l-e-p-u-f-f-l-u-v. Get it right next time.

* * *

><p>Dear P-u-f-f-i-n-s-t-u-f-f-l-u-v,<p>

The nose? 'Puffinstuff' you glad you I'm here? Heh? When I transformed, there was a malfunction, and I would have been hotter than Taylor Lautner, if Wormtail hadn't dumped his acidic hand into the pot. It kinda burned off my nose.

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldy Morty,<p>

*facepalm* I can't believe you did that. Out of everyone, you had to be the one to start a did too did not battle.

Anyways, you can do so much better than Bellatrix. I mean, seriously? Her?

Anyways, do you think that fried chicken is awesome?

Sincerely,

A carnivorous cat that can pwn you more than a baby

* * *

><p>Dear Cat that's going to get it's sorry #! kicked,<p>

Did not!

If you've ever seen Bellatrix in real life, you could understand why it's a whole Friend/servant/girlfriend/slave thing. Besides, even Dark Lords have their b&%*^$. So now you understand my dilemma.

Fried chicken is an excuse for people to think of process material. In layman's terms, no, I hate Fried Chicken. Hey, I just figured out what KFC stands for!

From,

The dude who will kick your sorry $$

* * *

><p>Dear Tom,<p>

For the live of Merlin's most holy butt crack, I'm dead serious.

Sincerely,

ISwearToGodI'mNotHarry

PS: or should I say Sirius?

* * *

><p>Dear Harry,<p>

For the sake of Merlin's soggiest trousers, ditt-

This is now Mookie Face speaking, Bellatrix's unicorn Pillow Pet. I have overpowered Moldy Voldy and will now be answering questions. Hey, is that someone saying "Smakata Hedavra?" Wha? Hey! Ahhh!

This is Voldemolt again. I have killed Mookie. That thing knows too much about me. It is often by Bellatrix's side in our... "sessions."

Anyway, ditto...

From,

Voldemolt and partly Mookie Face

* * *

><p>Dear Voldermolt,<p>

Get over yourself. You're a half-blood and you always will be.

Sincerely,

Everybody

* * *

><p>Lord Voldemolt is refusing to answer this letter due to its, and I quote, "Insultive Behavior."<p>

Sincerely,

Bellatrix Lestrange

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

Awesome advice! problem solved :D well, granted I had to do it since my friend is a puffinstuff.

Anyways, I now have some advice for you. Maybe if you had stopped talking for hours on end before attempting to kill Harry, you would have succeeded. Just saying.

-Lena, the new and improved Dark Lord. or Dark Lordess, rather.

* * *

><p>Dear Lena,<p>

Ah, I am glad that I have recieved another one for my cause. Just don't tell Bellatrix.

What's the point of killing someone if they can't hear your evil plan. The rest of their time in curiosity! I can be at least that nice.

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Dear Voldy-ah, I mean, 'Voldemort'<p>

Can you tell me what exactly a Hufflepuff is?

Yours truly,

Princess Twila

* * *

><p>Dear Princess,<p>

What the heck is a Hufflepuff. The only Hogwarts Houses are Gryffindor(sucks!), Slytherin(Yeah!), Ravenclaw(Smart-alecs!), and Puffinstuffs.

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p><strong>Thank everyone for the reviews. Voldemolt wants more. And sorry to Princess Twila for forgetting the second part of her question. <strong>

**On another note, I'll be dedicating each chapter to a special review I get. Name will be going into Chapter name. For this chapter, it's Princess Twila for forgetting the second part of the questions.**


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Moldy Voldy

You soooooooooooooo got pwaned by a baby.

Beetwix lwikes ooooo! She told meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

- Hawkstar,

Who can defeat you 1 vs 1.

* * *

><p>Dear Hawkstar,<p>

1. What does pwaned mean?

2. Who's Beetwix?

3. Once you can spell correctly, then you can try fighting me.

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort,<p>

Isn't 'puffinstuff' a junk food?...

Also, I am trying to learn how to play guitar. Any pointers?

Oh, and one more thing: since I'm too nice to kill a person, how do I keep myself safe from this guy who keeps asking me to come over to his apartment?

In need of non-lethal advice,

Princess Twila

* * *

><p>Dear Princess,<p>

Yes, yes it is. Puffinstuffs(Candy) are fluffy. Puffinstuffs(House) are also fluffy.

NO pointers here. I only know how to play, "I'M GONNA FREAKIN KICK YOU!" by The Mackintosh Company, a band that Dolohov, Bellatrix, Yaxely, and Pius made.

Tell him to stay away or I'll call the Death Eaters. We've got your back.

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldemort, Avada Kedavra didn't work on the girl in math! It instead killed my teacher, any ideas on what went wrong? Also, i think nagini is sexy. - chris<p>

* * *

><p>DEar Chris,<p>

You think like that about a snake? You're seriously messed up...

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldy Moldy Bread,<p>

You are a disgrace. I bet you hate bacon too, huh.

Iceshadow

* * *

><p>Dear Iceshadow,<p>

I _do _hate bacon. How did you know?

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Lord Voldemort<p>

*bows deeply* I humbly ask you what happened to Bellatrix to make her so insane. I mean did you push her off the empire state building.

Also do you feel kinda stupid/embarrassed that the most powerful Dark Lord got beaten by a teenager . Who by the way gave you a chance to surrender?

Your most faithful follower, Wolfgang

* * *

><p>Dear Wolfgang,<p>

You don't want to ask about Bellatrix... But you can blame Rodopholous, Sirius, Dumbledore's $$, and a jar of monkeys.

I DID NOT GET BEATEN BY A TEENAGER! I was simply subdued. Anyway, Dumbledore game me the chance. He has locked me away in the astronomy tower. If any of you want to free me...

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Voldermolt,<p>

If Slytherin didn't exist, what House would you like to be in? (Don't get all self-righteous on me and say that Slytherin is the only good House; just answer the question.) Also, I'm hearing rumors about you and Minerva McGonnagall having a fling when you were at Hogwarts together (she was only a year or two older, I believe). Care to comment?

Sincerely,

What's This I Heard?

* * *

><p>Dear What,<p>

If Slytherin didn't exist, I wouldn't go to Hogwarts! I'd transfer to Durmstrangs! But if I'd had to pick, it would be Gryffindor. So I could kill them all in their sleep!

What's this you say? Me and oldie! By my name no! Just no! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOO!

From,

Voldemolt

* * *

><p>Dear Moldy Voldy Moldybutt:<p>

How do I get this annoyingly sweet guy I sort of like, but feel is a creeper from thinking I hate him and avoid him at the same time.

Oh, and I wrote a poem for you~~!

Have you ever

Asked someone to

Lick your hand

For kicks?

Bleeding monkeys

Like to scream

Oppressively and

Offensive to the ears.

Do you agree?

From, the Puffinstuff eating Slytherin,

Killer Bunny of SCIENCE!

* * *

><p>Dear Killer,<p>

Do something nice for him, but be very businesslike about it.

From, Voldemolt

* * *

><p><strong>Dedication to Killer Bunny of Science for the poem, however creepy it might be...<strong>


End file.
